Apa ni?

Pagi-pagi Jumaat, dah  bikin aku carot.

Sumpah not nice.

Politically speaking,

Your mind is pretty much like the governments ; 

it's a solid black box.

Nobody can see through it.

Not even me.

Betul kan?

Love is only meant for handsome bitches and pretty guys.

And feelings? Well, feelings are for rich people, who can afford it.

Are we human, or are we dancer?

I am trying to choreograph my words,
so that they synchronised perfectly with what the heart is feeling.

Yes ;
in the exact same pace,
exact same step,
exact same rythm,
exact same beat,
even the exact same grace.

But -- I
I am no dancer.

I can't moonwalk my words out.
Nor can I twist & turn my feelings away.

I wrote down cha-cha,
when my heart is break-dancing.
I said contemporary,
when its really latin stirring up inside.

I just can't.
I am not a dancer,
remember?

Don't think so.

Eh mari sini.
Get in my shoes for a bit.
Baru kau tahu rasa.
Baru kau tahu rasa.

I am not playing God.

Life's a whore, but not this time.

Its your turn to suck it all up.

Amacam? Pedih?

Slutty Universe.

Refusing it all.

Wasting daylights.

Contemplating suicide.

Disconnecting, by choice.

Waving middle finger to the Universe.

Bye.

...

The girl and her box.

There was a girl in this town,
Who has a secret collection,
She carries a rusty box around,
Of nothing but her collection.


Not that she would really mind,
The girl has no foes, nor even fans,
Alone she sits feeling all fine,
With the box always in her hands.


And here comes the villains' part,
Where curiosity meets jealousy,
They just had to break her heart,
They just had to be so nosy.


'Sorry its not for you to see'
She holds the box tightly,
'Oh please just leave me'
Who said they're asking nicely?


The brats lose their patience,
And couldn't wait any longer,
Words turned into actions,
And they grabbed it from her!


She sobs, making a plea,
'Please please give it back to me'
They just laughed in victory,
Not a pleasant sight to see,


Dying to know what's inside,
Thus rapidly tore her box open,
They do it with such pride,
She weeps, as her knees weaken.


They raped her soul, that poor girl,
To find only mere bunch of photos,
No such thing as diamond, or pearl,
Nothing for them to toast.


They spat and mocked her obession,
'Is this it? Nothing more to offer?' 
With tears blurring up her vision,
Silhouette of photos flying all over.


The bastards left her box shattered,
Wiping the tears with her left hand,
One - two - three - four - she counted,
Picking up her photos off bare land.


She hugs the box close to her chest,
With feelings she no longer have,
Instead of going home and rest,
She decided to kill herself.

13,416.

Lima ratus lima puluh sembilan hari,

dan si cengeng pun menangis lagi.

Dasar cengeng.

Day #3

Gahh. What the fuck is wrong with all these people? He's not deaf ! He's not stupid ! Stop talking to him like he's some kind of a three-year-old. Please. That man is in pain, goddammit ! Seriously, am I the only one who is not blind around here ?

Day #2

As I fix my eyes at the sight of him bedridden, I immediately felt something. Something so strong, its almost surreal. Demmit. What is this uneasy feeling? Its not just sympathy. More like, pure helplessness, knowing that there is nothing I can do to ease his burden. Nothing. Have you the slightest idea of what that feels like? Yeah. It sucks. Big time. And I hate that I'm genetically programmed to feel this way. I hate it. 

Day #1

I behold liquid drugs forced into every inch of his veins. Needles & pins re-stabbing his hands numerous times.  They're so wrinkled that they hardly resembles skin anymore. So hoarse, yet so so pale at the same time. I can't bear to watch, really . He is now like some kind of mannequin ( or at least being treated as one ). Just laying, in silence. Hardly uttering. A living corpse, almost. He's in a major amount of pain. Oh I can tell. And those men in white - though they seem to be in such a hassle working against the clock ( saving lives, I supposed ) along with their fancy medical toys - I think they have forgotten one little important fact. My grandfather is still alive.

Poetry tu ada banyak jenis.

Kate Nash

Nicest Thing

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand

When I was upset

I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met
I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit

That nobody else could see

Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,

Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen

And I wish that we could see if we could be something

Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

p/s: ada tak sapa sapa yg pernah buat kau rasa nervous tahap gampang?

       buat kau rasa macam oksigen tak pernah cukup bila dia dekat?

       buat kau rasa macam nak senyum jek tanpa perlu ada sebabnya?

       buat jantung kau rasa macam kena siat-siat bila dia pergi?

       buat kau rasa macam "sial. apasal lah comel sangat bila dia gelak ni" ?

       buat kau rasa nak mimpi benda yang paling absurd, paling out of this world?

       :)

       

       ye, aku tahu.

       perasaan yang even poet paling legend pun tak dapat nak describe dengan details.

       perasaan yang ahh-- kacau lah.

       dan kalau kau pernah/sedang rasa, lagu ini buat kau.

       ye, kau. 

       

       :)

Finger-pointing at yourself?

Apa kau rasa bila tengok gambar ni?

Exactly.

Macam life in general lah -- kusut. celaru. serabut. 

Hari-hari ada je benda kena pikir.

Hari-hari --

selagi kau masih ada nafas.

Entri ni tak bertujuan.

Macam life in general jugak.

Hari-hari kau kena buat something,

atas dasar buat something.

Forced. Or choose to.

Suka. Or pretend to.

Lie. Or being lied to.

Kau sendiri pilih benda-benda kecik ni.

Benda-benda kecik, yg kadang2 kau pun tak paham.

Benda-benda kecik, yg sebenarnya tak kecik langsung.

Benda-benda kecik, yg boleh ubah life kau macam tu je.

Kau. Aku.

Kita semua akan mati someday.

So bagitau aku,

this whole thing --

WHAT'S THE POINT ANYWAY?

FYI

With you,
I really feel like I'm in the presence of something outside the rest of my life.
Higher than the rest of my life. 


p/s: only with you.

And that was the day he killed the teddy bear.

The Fear

I  don't know what hurts the most - 

the thought of ever losing you,

or the fact that I know I have lost you.

...

Sometimes, we get too tired to carry on.

And eventually  we'll stop along the way.

Bukan sebab dah tak sayang.

Bukan sebab faith tu dah hilang.

Well, mungkin sebab nasib selalu malang.

Tapi still, bukan sebab dah tak sayang.

Sometimes, we just couldn't cope no more.

And eventually, we'll take a little break along the way.

It's my turn to neglect, instead of caring.

It's my turn to forget, instead of remembering.

It's my turn to ask, instead of always answering.

It's my turn to use, instead of being used again.

It's my turn to be loved,instead of loving.

It's my turn to -- ugh-- 

It is my damn turn now.

So please.

Bear with me for a second.

It is my turn.

Pronto.

I'm telling myself that this - right here - need to stop. Pronto.

Achy Breaky Heart

You can break the rules,

You can break your balls,

You can break your neck,

You can break your back,

But you can't break a heart, and have it.

She's A Libra.

Cantik kan?  :)

Meet my own Wonderwoman, 

whom I am proud to call mom.

It's 6th of October,her birthday.

May every single happiness in the galaxy be with her,

and may I not see another tear rolling down those cheek.

May God shower her with His blessings always,

and may she got everything that she wished for.

I love her with every beat of my heart,

every drop of my blood,

every inch of my being,

every oxygen I inhaled.

Happy Happy Birthday!

p/s: you grow more beautiful each passing years, ibu. jeles tau!

OMS.

As the four of us lie down -- facing the sky, 

staring at this sea of stars, side-by-side,

wild thoughts running through my mind. 

Random, wild thoughts of ; everything.

Of what-ifs.

Of pretty clothes.

Of python regius.

Of happy things.

Of places to go.

Of Ben & Jerry's.

Of those douchebags.

Of non-human intelligence.

Of class projects.

Of silly yesterdays. 

Of today.

Of tomorrow.

Of Godin LGXT.

Of 19th October.

Of long highways.

Of Avril's  .

Of the silence.

Of you. 

Well fuck it. Mostly, of you.

And suddenly, 

still lying down -- facing the sky,

gazing at this sea of dimmed stars,

I realized that here, isn't really where I want to be.

So,

If you can't give me feelings with old-fashioned meanings, 

just stay in love with yourself. Pfft.

الأحلام

Bilamana bahasa ini cuma kau yang erti,

Bilamana lenggok ini cuma kau yang fasih,

Kau sama aku,

Ah, lucu.

Bilamana dunia tak paham apa apa,

Bilamana rasa ini kau juga punya,

Kau sama aku,

Ah, lucu.

Biar cuma kita tahu,

Biar cuma kita tahu --

Ameen.

Raya?

#1

Ibu kejut pukul 5.30 am. Sebal, tapi bangun jugak.

Pergi amik sate kat rumah makcik tu dgn muka busuk.

Curi curi main The Sims 3 kat bilik chu. Memang nice.

Takda org perasan sampai AG datang bawak remote, mintak dipasang Ceria.

Makan nasi minyak sementara tunggu turn nak mandi haha. Tak senonoh, I know.
Lepas mandi pakai baju kurung biasa biasa saja, masih belum perlu yang baru.

Lepastu sesi bermaaf-maafan. Tya tolak aku, aku tolak Tya, dua dua nervous. Awkward lah.
Dalam pukul 10 am ,orang dah start datang makan makan-borak borak tak ingat dunia. Aihh.
Macam biasa, raya raya camni lah mode anak dara tu datang (ehem secara dipaksa). 
Malam pulak, dah start masak masak untuk esok nya. Aku masak sendiri lontong. Damn, I'm good.

Duit raya? Heh. Orang makin kedekut, atau memang sembilan belas sudah dikira tak layak ya?

One word to describe my first day of  Raya -- EXHAUSTED.

#2

Pagi pagi buta dah dengar omelan ibu. Dia memang gelabah sikit, nenek aku chill je hehe.
Sebelum suara tu sampai kat pintu bilik ni, aku decide utk bangun sendiri haha.

Hari ni aku terus mandi lepastu pakai baju kurung putih. Rawrrr.
Tak sampai sejam, dah ada kesan kuah lontong. Erk. Mesti ibu bangga dengan aku.
Lepastu AG pulak buat tumpah kuah mihun sup. Erk. Mesti ibu bangga dengan kami.
Penat semalam tak habis lagi. Orang orang ni pulak, non-stop datang. Aku tensyen lah.
Assignments poetry belum sentuh langsung. Sorry Miss Sheena, aku dalam mood raya ni (?)

Dalam kesibukan hari raya tu, aku sempat jugak main The Sims 3. Habislah, dah addicted ni.
Hm aku masih skeptikal tentang had umur penerima duit raya. Aku dah tak layak ke? Demmit.

Tido awal sebab esok tu is someone's big day.  Excited.  Heeee.
One word to describe my second day of Raya -- MAKAN.

#3

You are engaged!

Congrats to my super-awesome-headbanger-uncle-cum-bestfriend and his own Kat Von Dee.

He's the coolest dude ever. I mean, dia yang kasi aku dengar my first Pink Floyd song when I was 10.  Word.

Congratulations to Mohd Faizal Yusri and her fiancee. (Belum kahwin lagi, tunang baru okay!)

Walaupun penat sangat driving all the way to Selangor, and drive all the way balik Kuantan semula, it was worth it.

Dia lah satu-satunya pak cik aku yang ada pun. Mau tak excited? Hehe 

CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN. 

One word to describe my third day of Raya -- KECOH.

#4

Anak dara tak senonoh ni bangun tido pun em dah nak masuk waktu Zuhr. Erk.

Well,  konon nya penat driving semalam kan. Satu family bangun lewat. Amek kau.

Harini takda org datang  rumah pun. Alhamdulillah. ( yes, penat lah layan orang datang rumah)

Dalam pukul 3 something, drive to Bulan's house. Too bad Lissy-boy tak dapat join.

Tu lah, lain kali sila lah buat plan last minute lagi ye Anith Adilah? Hmm.

Borak borak dengan cik Bulan, gelak gelak dengan family dia, lepastu makan KFC (?)

Pukul 6 macamtu, ibu dah  bising suruh balik. Aihh kacau betul.

One word to describe my fourth day of Raya -- FAEIZ.

#5

Pegi beraya rumah kawan ibu, makan spageti sedap.

Got myself a new satisfying haircut.

Got myself a new hideous haircut.

Got myself a new quaint haircut.

Got myself a new fugly haircut.

Got myself a new super short haircut.

Damn that stupid salon girl. Damn you.

One word to describe my fifth day of Raya -- TORN.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

There you go.

Selamat Hari Raya.

Maaf Zahir & Batin.

Have a rockin' one!

 ♥ ♥ ♥

Gwendolyn Brooks said, "We real cool".

Voices.

The voices in my head-- they're too loud.

        (Ellen P & M Cera / Lykke Li /Oasis / The Clash  / The Kooks / The Smith / The Strokes / The Stiff Dylans) 

الفاتحة

Hey dad.

I've always had this secret wish.

That someday, you might actually come back and look for me.

Maybe someday you would, I don't know,

come knocking at our door, and tell us how sorry you are, 

and maybe--well just maybe, you will try to make it up for us?

You have wasted fifteen years of your life, dad.

Fifteen years of yours and fifteen years of mine.

I wish you hadn't left in the first place.

I wish you hadn't bailed out on us, just like that.

I wish I could ask you, why?

I wish..

I wanted you to know that you, have punched quite a big hole in my heart.

I also wanted you to know that hey, it is your loss.

I wanted you to know that mom have raised us amazingly well.

I wanted you to know that she never quits, no matter how shitty life gets.

I wanted you to know that my mom is the best thing that has ever happened to you.

You had your chance with her, you blew it.

And you still owe me fifteen birthday wishes, you know.

You owe me fifteen years of my life that I will never get back.

You owe me hugs, kisses, lullabies.

You owe me my childhood.

You owe me a father.

For that, I hope you are sorry.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

26082010 

12:37pm

I received a text from Ibu, right after I'm done with my test.

It says that you had passed away this morning.

Yeah, my biological father had passed away.

I barely remember your face. 

Yeah, it has been a while.

I felt this slight pang inside, my heart is filled with regrets.

I guess I can kiss my lifetime wish, goodbye now.

Yeah, he left, again.

And knowing my dad, I'm pretty sure he won't be coming back, yet again.

Al-Fatihah.