Is it?

"Its okay to feel alone. Its okay to be alone." - The Subways




Is it, really?

Note-to-self : think, before act.

“Nobody ever did, or ever will, escape the consequences of his choices."

Three days ago, if I heard this kind of shit coming from anyone,
I would tell them to fuck off. Literally.


But at this very moment,  I believe every single word,
with every inch of my soul (that is, if I still have any)


Ah, all these emotions.
Rage. Hatred. Frustration. (but mostly, regrets.)


Sadly, the only question that keeps lingering in my head is,
"Dude, what the fuck were you thinking?"


And, even more sadly, I keep denying the answer that I've always had,
"The problem is, I wasn't even thinking"

May, you have been such a fine gentleman.

#1 Malam Puisi Riong

#2 Poetry Slam Bee Agressive

#3 Akar Berlima

#4 Akar Kukubesi

#5 Projek Disko Baldi @ PJLA


:)

Laughing matter.

And I actually thought you had enough. 
Funny thing, no?

Aku nak tanya.

Pernah tak kau rasa suka seseorang sangat sampai hati kau rasa nak pecah?
Pernah?

Hey Superman.

She likes you. A lot.

Lebih dari rasa suka biasa-biasa.

Lebih dari seorang kawan, tentunya.

Lebih dari yang dia sendiri sangka.

Yeah. I guess she really likes you.

For as long as she can remember. 

Mhmm. That long.

But its always been difficult with you.

Susah sangat.
Selalu sakit. 
Nearly impossible.
And this is breaking her heart.
You broke her heart, Superman.
Can't you see her troubled soul right through those eyes?
Didn't you hear her loneliness screaming in your ears?
But she endured.
She still is enduring.
The question is -

how much more can she take?
and how many years more will she have to wait?
Her heart is all black and blue. 
Her heart is always black and blue, when it comes to you.




So after a while,

after quite a while,

she finally decided to distract herself from you.
Distraction in the form of another living piece of flesh.
Another guy.
She chooses to focus on him instead.
He who is the total opposite of her.
He who doesn't fit her typical idea of a guy.
He who gives her feelings that people write novels about.
He who makes her goes crazy over those little gestures of his.
He who is a definite spoilsport, yet amusing in his own way.
He who makes her listens to Kate Nash's The Nicest Thing again and again. 

He who is....much more easier.

Not that easy. But definitely easier.

Senang. Tak sakit.

Mungkin belum lagi.

Mungkin belum. 
Tapi buat waktu ini, she is content.
Ini sudah cukup buat dia.
Sure. He's no Superman.
But he makes her happy.
At least for now.
Who cares about the future?
Now is what matters anyway.








P/S : Good luck on saving the world, Superman.
        Seems like you're having a good time.

You tell me.

They say, you know when you know.
Well I don't know.
Macamana?

Objek bernama perempuan.

apa aku ini perempuan yang posisinya kau ubah-letak seikut suka?
apa aku ini perempuan yang kau guna bila rasa kosong mencarik pangkal jiwa?
apa aku ini perempuan tidak punya rasa?

aku ini perempuan, sayang.
bukan objek.

bila sudah pasti benar sudut letaknya aku,
bila ruang kecil untuk aku itu sudah kau siap kan,
khabarkan -- aku tunggu.

kau tahu,
aku pasti tunggu.
kerana aku ini perempuan.
cuma perempuan, sayang.
bukan objek.

Dengar sini.

Kau buat aku rasa nak menulis sangat-sangat sampai satu perkataan pun aku dah tak mampu taip, tau tak?

Trouble tu memang betul lah kawan paling baik yang kau akan pernah ada.

Akan ada satu point in life bilamana kau akan rasa fucked up gila babi.

Tiba-tiba kau rasa macam Tuhan tu tampar muka kau berkali-kali.

Maksud aku, bukan literally tampar. Metaphorically speaking je.

Sekali Dia nak kasi, banyak terus.
Buat kau rasa macam, " Damn. Aku ni banyak sangat ke buat dosa? "

Mau tak pedih?

Pedih bai.
Sumpah pedih.

DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT OR SCREAM IT IN YOUR FACE?

THE CHEMISTRY BETWEEN US COULD DESTROY THIS PLACE.

But she is oblivious to the fact that:

(Who the fuck would want to be in love with her?)

And she's dying to tell you :

"Place me at the center of your universe, baby."

Orgasmic music is much much better than pills.

Secara spesifiknya aku tak tahu apa yang bikin aku sakit, tapi aku sedang sakit.
Benda paling remeh pun boleh buat aku nangis sekarang ni.
Dasar cengeng. 


(Fuck the Universe.
Pasang earphones.
Tekan butang play.
Volume up kasi habis.
Tenggelam dalam lagu.
Painkillers yg terbaik.)

Fuck lah.
Satu lagi, aku rasa aku banyak sangat mencarut.
Banyak sangat lepas laku.
Banyak sangat perangai tak senonoh.
Mesti Tuhan tak suka.
Haih. Mana mungkin Dia suka!
Kau rasa kenapa lagi Dia selalu cari cara untuk buat aku ingat Dia?

The cyclone.

(There's a thunder about to rumble somewhere inside.
I'm sensing different kind of vibes now.
Oh I can already taste its metallic bite.
It's near.
It's so fuckin near.
I can smell it.
It's near.
Oh fuck!
It's here.)

Intrigued.

The fact that he always, always distances himself from others ;
that is something, I find, really intriguing.
Disturbingly provocative.


P/S: Kelmarin dia bikin aku penasaran.
       Separuh tolol -- dek mimik itu.
       Sialan.
      

I bet you can tell my dispositions by now, eh?

Kusut ; tapi tak empty.
Demi Tuhan, sekarang ini I'm feeling content.
Pegi jahanam sama age gap. Kau distraksi paling perfect.
Dan yang penting aku pasti jiwa kau dan aku berumah di satu bumbung yg sama ; arts.
Kau boleh bikin hati aku rasa warm, juga bikin roma aku berdiri dek goosebumps.
Tapi problem nya cuma satu ;
I am getting too comfortable being right here -- with you.
Comfortable enough untuk let my guards down.
(Great, Anith. Just great!)
Macam lah tak cukup-cukup lagi reasons of heartaches kan?
(Bodoh)

How Saturday(s) should be like.

Macam semalam.
Macam semalam, fooling around bilamana sepatutnya serius.
Macam semalam, singing out loud to the 90's boybands.
Macam semalam, bila kita semua dinner sama-sama.
Macam semalam, bila kau tak henti-henti bikin jokes.
Macam semalam, aku boleh gelak kangkang tak payah nak cover.
Macam semalam, kau bikin aku tidur dengan satu perasaan yg best.
Macam semalam lah.
A perfect Saturday is what semalam is.

Numbers are just the property possessed by a sum or indefinite quantity of units. Nothing more.

I don't like everything about maths ; 

the numbers and all the ridiculous countings.

Bullshits semua tu. Bikin pening kepala je.

Tapi aku lagi tak suka kau. 

Sebab kau buat aku want to do all the countings. 

Aku sekarang dah involved with numbers. Voluntarily.

Sebab kau. Demmit. Aku dah start mengira semula.

I actually just checked the calendar on my phone.

Counting the days, dengan penuh naif nya. 

Siot. This is so not cool.

( 5 more days to go.

  5 more days to kill.

  5 more days untuk pikirkan kau.

  5 more days untuk angau sorang.

  5 more days untuk layan lagu jiwang.

  5 more days, baby )

 

Tapi takpa. Lepas tu, sumpah aku refuse untuk mengira for the next seven weeks.

Calendar dlm phone ni pun aku pandang sebelah mata je. Tengok lah!

A slap on the face.

4:45 am. 29012011. Kuantan.

Every inch of this place reminds me of him.

Slapped in the face by series of flashbacks. 

Tiba-tiba got overwhelmed by these feelings yang I can't quite put into words. 

Apa entah perasaan ni. Sial lah. Dasar si cengeng tak kuat semangat! 

Aku pikir aku dah ok but oh boy, was I wrong!

Felt a sudden relief as the bus slowly approaches the Terminal.

Tak sangka 1 bangunan buruk yang bersepah dengan manusia-manusia 

nokturnal boleh buat aku rasa lega.

Kesian ibu kena fetch aku at this hour.

I hope she knows that her kids love her; I love her.

In the car silence fills the morning air. 

The both of us; we choose not to talk, I guess.

Stares blankly at the empty roads.

Sounds coming from the radio seems to fade away. 

Pikiran melayang entah ke mana.

And then, we passed by it ; kubur arwah Atuk.

Oh shucks. 

Masa tu, I missed him with an intensity that felt like physical pain.

Benda ni kau takkan paham kalau kau tak pernah rasa. Rindu. Sangat.

Langkah kaki pertama masa nak masuk rumah tu paling pedih.

The scent of home doesn't really help either. Shucks.

Everything about this place reminds me of him.

Unopened letters with his name on it. His photos on the wall. His wheelchair.

Our living room ; yang mana satu ketika nya pernah diletakkan katil Atuk kat luar ni.

Our bathroom ; yang mana aku dgn Nenek pernah papah Atuk sebab nak mandikan dia.

Ya Allah, he really is gone now, isn't he?

#$%^&

Tengah main tennis, ingat kau.
Tengah gosok gigi, ingat kau.
Tengah jawab exam, ingat kau.
Tengah diri sebelah kau pun, ingat kau.
Eeeeee boleh tak jangan comel sangat?
Umur kita jauh beza tau tak!

God's fingers touched him, and he slept.

16012011
0402

بِسْمِ اللّهِ الرَّحْمـَنِ الرَّحِيم
الْحَمْدُ للّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِين
الرَّحمـنِ الرَّحِيم
مَـالِكِ يَوْمِ الدِّين
يَّاك نَعْبُدُ وإِيَّاكَ نَسْتَعِين
اهدِنَــــا الصِّرَاطَ المُستَقِيمَ
صِرَاطَ الَّذِينَ أَنعَمتَ عَلَيهِمْ غَيرِ المَغضُوبِ عَلَيهِمْ وَلاَ الضَّالِّين
آمين.

You are in our thoughts and prayers,
and I will always, always miss you
as I will always, always love you.
Always --
I promise, Atuk.