Orgasmic music is much much better than pills.

Secara spesifiknya aku tak tahu apa yang bikin aku sakit, tapi aku sedang sakit.
Benda paling remeh pun boleh buat aku nangis sekarang ni.
Dasar cengeng. 


(Fuck the Universe.
Pasang earphones.
Tekan butang play.
Volume up kasi habis.
Tenggelam dalam lagu.
Painkillers yg terbaik.)

Fuck lah.
Satu lagi, aku rasa aku banyak sangat mencarut.
Banyak sangat lepas laku.
Banyak sangat perangai tak senonoh.
Mesti Tuhan tak suka.
Haih. Mana mungkin Dia suka!
Kau rasa kenapa lagi Dia selalu cari cara untuk buat aku ingat Dia?

The cyclone.

(There's a thunder about to rumble somewhere inside.
I'm sensing different kind of vibes now.
Oh I can already taste its metallic bite.
It's near.
It's so fuckin near.
I can smell it.
It's near.
Oh fuck!
It's here.)

Intrigued.

The fact that he always, always distances himself from others ;
that is something, I find, really intriguing.
Disturbingly provocative.


P/S: Kelmarin dia bikin aku penasaran.
       Separuh tolol -- dek mimik itu.
       Sialan.
      

I bet you can tell my dispositions by now, eh?

Kusut ; tapi tak empty.
Demi Tuhan, sekarang ini I'm feeling content.
Pegi jahanam sama age gap. Kau distraksi paling perfect.
Dan yang penting aku pasti jiwa kau dan aku berumah di satu bumbung yg sama ; arts.
Kau boleh bikin hati aku rasa warm, juga bikin roma aku berdiri dek goosebumps.
Tapi problem nya cuma satu ;
I am getting too comfortable being right here -- with you.
Comfortable enough untuk let my guards down.
(Great, Anith. Just great!)
Macam lah tak cukup-cukup lagi reasons of heartaches kan?
(Bodoh)

How Saturday(s) should be like.

Macam semalam.
Macam semalam, fooling around bilamana sepatutnya serius.
Macam semalam, singing out loud to the 90's boybands.
Macam semalam, bila kita semua dinner sama-sama.
Macam semalam, bila kau tak henti-henti bikin jokes.
Macam semalam, aku boleh gelak kangkang tak payah nak cover.
Macam semalam, kau bikin aku tidur dengan satu perasaan yg best.
Macam semalam lah.
A perfect Saturday is what semalam is.

Numbers are just the property possessed by a sum or indefinite quantity of units. Nothing more.

I don't like everything about maths ; 

the numbers and all the ridiculous countings.

Bullshits semua tu. Bikin pening kepala je.

Tapi aku lagi tak suka kau. 

Sebab kau buat aku want to do all the countings. 

Aku sekarang dah involved with numbers. Voluntarily.

Sebab kau. Demmit. Aku dah start mengira semula.

I actually just checked the calendar on my phone.

Counting the days, dengan penuh naif nya. 

Siot. This is so not cool.

( 5 more days to go.

  5 more days to kill.

  5 more days untuk pikirkan kau.

  5 more days untuk angau sorang.

  5 more days untuk layan lagu jiwang.

  5 more days, baby )

 

Tapi takpa. Lepas tu, sumpah aku refuse untuk mengira for the next seven weeks.

Calendar dlm phone ni pun aku pandang sebelah mata je. Tengok lah!

A slap on the face.

4:45 am. 29012011. Kuantan.

Every inch of this place reminds me of him.

Slapped in the face by series of flashbacks. 

Tiba-tiba got overwhelmed by these feelings yang I can't quite put into words. 

Apa entah perasaan ni. Sial lah. Dasar si cengeng tak kuat semangat! 

Aku pikir aku dah ok but oh boy, was I wrong!

Felt a sudden relief as the bus slowly approaches the Terminal.

Tak sangka 1 bangunan buruk yang bersepah dengan manusia-manusia 

nokturnal boleh buat aku rasa lega.

Kesian ibu kena fetch aku at this hour.

I hope she knows that her kids love her; I love her.

In the car silence fills the morning air. 

The both of us; we choose not to talk, I guess.

Stares blankly at the empty roads.

Sounds coming from the radio seems to fade away. 

Pikiran melayang entah ke mana.

And then, we passed by it ; kubur arwah Atuk.

Oh shucks. 

Masa tu, I missed him with an intensity that felt like physical pain.

Benda ni kau takkan paham kalau kau tak pernah rasa. Rindu. Sangat.

Langkah kaki pertama masa nak masuk rumah tu paling pedih.

The scent of home doesn't really help either. Shucks.

Everything about this place reminds me of him.

Unopened letters with his name on it. His photos on the wall. His wheelchair.

Our living room ; yang mana satu ketika nya pernah diletakkan katil Atuk kat luar ni.

Our bathroom ; yang mana aku dgn Nenek pernah papah Atuk sebab nak mandikan dia.

Ya Allah, he really is gone now, isn't he?